Crave for LOVE...we all do!!

I have made several attempts to finish this post and get back to regular blogging but I am failing every time. Many months have elapsed since I have done anything that I like. Most of this absence is deliberate, my mind is so cluttered with negative thoughts, frustration, angst, anger, and every other negative emotion that can fit in my little head that never allowed myself to write like I did when I started this blog.

I am not going to bore you with snippets of all that was going on at my end now, instead, I have decided to write about something beautiful. LOVE!!

I believe nothing can surpass the feeling of being truly loved by someone. It helps us grow, makes us stronger, and a better person in and out if the person truly loves us.

I completely agree that love is never going to be roses and butterflies. Not everyone gets to experience a fairytale love life. But at the end of the day, isn't that the entire purpose of our existence?

When a person like me who has stayed alone for quite a long time, who is not romantically involved with anybody, the fondness and craving grow.

I read that people who have an intense craving for love often lacked care and affection in childhood. I am talking about people (like me) who need to be held in someone's arms, hear loving words, feel the warmth, and the heartbeats that say ''don't worry, all is well''.

And I think, I crave love more than anyone because I was & I am lonely and, lonely is to be vulnerable. And when I say I am lonely, that means I have a gap in my life and insecurity that I am not filling.

And not having a partner for a while has been ruining my mental health. In fact, it has made me feel as if there is something about me that screams UNLOVABLE.

I also understand that being surrounded by narcissism can make you feel low. I let narcissistic creatures, toxic ones get near me and let my head fill with their twisted bullshit logic. It took quite some time for me to realize that I should only spend my time with people who accept, encourages, appreciates, and motivate me the way I am.

I always feel I have a lot of love to give (even after having been through so many trials and tribulations and hitting a point in life where things cannot get any worse - the rock-bottom) I still have so much love to give but nowhere to focus it, no one to give it to. (not involving my daughter or mom here) we are talking about love is not by blood.

I feel like I am a woman with an amazing capacity to love and when I find someone that I feel a connection with I am ready to be all in, but I can't seem to find a man who will step up and be ALL in with me. To be honest, at times this makes me feel like if everyone at the end of the day just wants to be loved and cared for, why is MY love so scary to men? I think Cupid is drunk sometimes and in my case all the time. When he hits one person with an arrow but completely misses the other.

When I see the couple goals hashtag on Instagram and other Social Media I think to myself that things are as flawless and perfect as they seem. But nothing is ever the way it seems on the surface. I realized that love is more than just a post or photo of a happy romantic couple posing and showing the world they are perfect. Why would people post about their struggles?

Maybe those so-called happy romantic couples go through more shit than I go through.

Anyway........deep sigh...

I would like to share ''my kind of love'' or ''what is love to me'' with you and would be honored to know if anyone like me exists or if it's just ME. LOL.

I call it ''Jurgen's LOVE!!'' (https://www.thedreamtolive.com/post/j%C3%BCrgen-angenvoort-life-saver )

What I call ''my kind of love'' is when you just have this teeny tiny thought of that person and it makes feel butterflies in the stomach and it just makes your heart beat only for this person and smiles like an innocent child.

You never think of yourself before making any decision. It is all about seeing that precious smile on their face that comes after your action. The willingness to prioritize their well-being or happiness above your own. You are always all set and ready to do anything for them.

You wave them goodbye until they are out of sight, just an Irish way of making sure they are actually gone, you know the one where you stand at the door still waving until they walk or drive around the corner out of sight. I just love this. I have not seen many doing this, it is always like as soon as I am out of the door, it's closed behind me. I am never a ''bye-bye, see you soon'' and out the door kind of person.

You hold their hands until your palms sweat and switch hands not leaving a moment without holding, I say hand holding is really intimate, maybe more intimate than kissing. I find it really reassuring and comforting. And when I hold hands I squeeze and transfer all my good energy to read their soul.

You let your inhibitions go and be playful and childlike, be silly together and feel securely adored. As we grow, we are pushed towards more logic, drama, reasons, and facts. I don't mind losing my mind with a person I love. Being vulnerable is allowing them to know your full: feelings, weaknesses, thoughts, and challenges. As someone said, it's just letting your guard down to connect in a raw and open manner. In other words, putting your heart and mind on the line, even if that means heartache.

You keep silent with the person you love. You know when you are relaxing together or maybe on a walk or having dinner or just holding hands lying on the floor face to face in the opposite direction. Love isn't about just talking and laughing, there are times when words won't say what you feel. Silence often speaks louder than words. I just love the eye gazing, staring silently into each other's eyes, and time stops.

You will never burn out because you keep relighting the fire and it's important to you that you always love them which is the most selfless thing you can do, you do it for their happiness, and not yours. This love fulfills you and never drains you.

You choose to be with them not because they are successful, cute, and have a great background to impress your family and friends. None of that matters. You pick the person whose soul you want next to yours when you are all old and ugly and can't do anything but sit quietly next to each other.

You don't celebrate your love only on Valentine's day, for me, it's just another day, I don't believe that I need a specific day to celebrate or express love. You respect and love them everyday, surprise them everyday, and make them feel like valentines everyday. Why not spare a few minutes and compose a handwritten letter, why not cook together and adorn the table or the floor with some candles, wine, and flowers and play some romantic song. There are better ways to show how much you care and love them than just buying ''love themed'' things.

You would like to start and end the day with them, you wake up with a good morning kiss and end the day whispering how beautiful the day was when the sky change colors.

You sleep well next to them, you know how kids like to sleep with parents because they are afraid of the dark or lightning? You feel safe, secure, and happy, and you do not worry about anything.

You live happily, love happily, and die happily... on your deathbed, you will be proud and satisfied with the life you lived with them, you smile and dye in their arms because it was the only place you have ever truly lived.

Does this kind of love really exist?

If I get a chance to walk down the aisle ever in my life, this would be the song, a drug to me. I can't get enough of it.