..let's keep going with the series..

I fast forward 2006 to 2008 (so much has happened, too much to put into this blog) and I think I have already posted enough, and let's just say shit happened except my baby girl Susan.

The year was the end of 2008 and had a decent-paying job that made my life keep going, to pay my bills and loans. This job was a miracle in fact. I completed my Higher Secondary in a Government school where English was not given importance and I did not get a chance to improve my little known English after my dad passed away.

There were no phones to download an app or Amazon Prime or Netflix and I had only one channel to watch. Doordarshan!!

I started reading novels and watched all the possible English movies with subtitles only during my college days. The newspaper helped a lot. Thanks to the Principal!! He never let us in without a newspaper. We read the paper and found the meaning of the words that we didn't understand.

So to get a decent-paying job in a well-known multinational technology company was indeed a miracle.

I left my 9-month-old daughter with my mother because I was working in Chennai. Life situations had left me depressed and useless to my daughter though I visited her every weekend. Thanks to my mom because I know leaving my daughter with her was the only loving safe environment. And I know it was very hard on my mom to deal with her.

I paid my debt from whatever I earned. Over time these debts kept piling up in the name of interest amount as I often missed the debt repayment date. My mother borrowed money from this fish-selling lady for my marriage and I missed paying the interest amount just once. She made sure to make my birth feel miserable.

My little Susan was in my arms and not sure why but I covered her ears close to my chest when this lady was kind enough to advise me to sell my kidney or my body to pay her interest amount...at that moment I realized harsh words can hurt a person more than physical pain.

I tried to tell her that it upsets me when she said such things and requested her to stop. But she cared rats ass. My heart rate increased. And I silently repeated this mantra as many times as I needed - '' It's not about me. It's not about me.''

You would not believe what I did next, I handed over my Susan to my mom and went to the nearest women's police station to lodge a complaint on the following grounds of collecting exorbitant rates of interest by threatening and harassing and offensive vulgar language.

But guess what, ''bad'' things that happened turned out to be good things in disguise. I ended up paying only the principal amount!!

A single mother is treated differently from someone who has a husband. In India especially!!

Being single doesn't mean that we are available and desperate !! I have been constantly judged for my character on several occasions. I have been called strong, headstrong, weak, useless, unsteady, and been pitied. Not sure, when the way single mothers are perceived in society would change. I will write more about '' Judging others'' in my upcoming posts.

The biggest challenge I have faced, and often face is being approached by men, (married, unmarried, divorced) is something I am still learning to overcome with a smile on my face. I started to learn about setting boundaries especially for someone who was not in the habit of saying ''NO'' or ''NOT INTERESTED'' it was(and still is)a big task, but I started practicing and have been working on cultivating this habit.

Life seemed absolutely aimless, purposeless, pointless, and worthless. It was hard getting up every morning to go through the motions. The number of difficulties I encountered made me feel like I lost my identity.

After a decade, things are going quite alright now although not really easy, the daily struggles and challenges seem scalable. I have the freedom to live, love and express my existence in a way I have always wanted to. I have the utmost freedom to do the things I want. I feel that my identity is valued. I am able to distinguish between what I am, where I am in life, and what I am doing.

What pleases me the most is that my daughter Susan is growing to be a kind, intelligent, witty, and righteous person. :)

''She remembered who she was and the game changed''!