This post has been written, edited, re-edited at least 50 times in my mind, and still not sure if it would find its way here.
I have been postponing writing it, yet desperately wanted to get these emotions off my chest.
Everything happened so fast...Engagement, Marriage, Pregnancy, and Divorce. Like I said earlier I don't really know what the heck I was doing.
We had barely completed 2 months of marriage and I caught my husband cheating on me with his colleague(s) and other women. He had apologized to me and promised that this would be the end of his lying and betrayal. But I guess promises are just words.
When I felt most at my rock bottom, life thought oh, you thought this would be enough to bring me down? Life decided to take another jab at me.
Was 22 and Pregnant: The pregnancy wasn't planned.
Pregnancy is a huge transition, an overwhelming and perhaps the most challenging phase in a woman's life. It's a roller coaster of emotions. The time when you need all the more love, care, attention, and support to overcome anxiety and stay physically and emotionally sane.
They say you marry not just your husband but also his family. A big shout out to all the wonderful husbands and mothers-in-law who have been a rock to their wives and daughter-in-law during pregnancy. And let me tell you no mother-in-law can become a mother for her daughter-in-law.
hmmm anyway, I was not sure if I was happy or sad or confused or thrilled and I am not talking about the pregnancy mood swings here. I felt really alone and lost. Life felt crumbly. I was not sure where to go. I was not sure who I was anymore.
I was thinking about how to survive and keep walking and moving and breathing when my world, all my dreams, my best-made plans have shattered. I was plagued by fears and doubts and too many questions. I was slammed with these feelings and they swirled around me like bees ready to sting.
I didn't have a clear view of where my life was heading. But I started to picture raising my kid alone without him. For several reasons, I felt he will never be a good Father. Forget about being a good father but he can NEVER be a Father...I felt he can never be a positive role model for any kids in his life...I was not able to picture him holding my kid in his arms or even let him touch my kid ever.
I don't want to get into detail about what I went through during my pregnancy for the first 6 months. The rest of the months were great. Thanks to my Mother!!
They say Tell The Universe Your Wish And It Will Be Granted.
Pregnancy: A baby Girl!! My life became magical!!
I remember I had always dreamt of having a daughter. and the Universe was gracious enough to grant my wish. I always wanted to have a girl. When I pictured my future child, it was always a daughter. Well, I am not against having a son and this is not a baby boy versus baby girl rant. Girls are far more colorful and full of choices...hehe :)
Strangers in the street and neighbors told me so, ''you're carrying so large, and your hips are so wide, you're definitely having a girl. I felt good when I heard this.
And, 14 years ago I got my bundle of pink - My Susan. I will write more about this young lady in my upcoming posts.
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Was 23 and divorced. The two undeniable facts of my life.
I understand no one enters marriage with intentions of it ending.
In India, the common regressive belief is that Divorce is shameful, especially for women. With these amazing messed-up belief systems, I am sure you can imagine the extent of disdain for someone like me, who got both married and divorced before the age of 25!!
Finding a job was my top-most priority. I understood I was legally entitled to alimony but I have decided and negotiated a settlement designed to be a clean break. As in, he cannot seek visitation rights to the child or any financial support from his side. And luckily court did not award him any of the rights.
I know I could support myself, my kid and mother and didn't want to be dependent on him. I landed a job as a Quality Specialist at one of the famous IT companies in Chennai. Money was tight and I sought a loan to provide for my mother and kid and to pay back the debts my mother borrowed for her only daughter's marriage.
Even though my dream was shattered I know it's not the end. I guess often timing is what messes everything up...
....wait for more!!
Being a single parent is not a life full of struggles, but a journey for the strong.
Just by reading I feel trembling and I couldn't even imagine all that hardships you went through those years and during your prime time. It is really devastating to even think and those heartaches you have experienced is terrible. And the thoughts that you went through like a endless time loop over and over again when you had to write this post after many years must have been more terrifying. Really it is very very uncomfortable and difficult for anyone to overcome all these tormenting situations. The strength, the courage, resilient and self-reliant cognition to cooperate in oneself to continue moving forward during those hard times and to overcome to be a strong unifying factor to defy anything is something…
🥲🥲🥲🥲 my mind is blocked i really don't know what i suppose to say or respond or comment
Great Ria