I was not being able to finalize a topic till it's almost 4:05 a.m and finally decided and I am not sure why but today I have the courage to write about many things that happened in my life. I am determined to publish this post without worrying much.
Dream Vs Reality: We all have different ideas about life and have different dreams.
My wedding: My story is long!!
It was my dream to have a Christian-style wedding. Like so many other women, I carried my dream in my heart for years. Growing up, I had a clear vision of the life I want to build...a successful career, a comfortable home, a loving husband, and 6 kids. Six kids seemed perfect in every way. I wanted a big, lively household filled with warmth, care, love, noise, and a house that feels like a zoo.
When I imagine, my creativity goes wild. In school, the teachers yelled at me for daydreaming especially when Mathematics held no interest for me. Whenever I read, I don't see the story but I live it. I love making any situation real in my mind. I make up scenarios in my head and to be honest some of them can be quite ridiculous.
I wouldn't agree if you say I have been using fantasies as an escape mechanism and to cope with some negative crap/feelings or maybe to add some excitement to my day. To me, fantasizing works better than any medicine. And I am aware that it's addictive like any other drug. And as the saying goes ''excess of everything is bad''.
I don't know why some people think daydreaming is a bad thing to be doing when you should be concentrating on work and doing your job. It actually helps my productivity, to be more creative and it takes me away from boredom especially if I am stuck in some dull tasks.
I fantasized about the person I was going to marry, who he will be and how he will be. I don't want to repeat because I have already introduced my imaginary man in my previous post .....'' I live inside my head''...
Flash forward to reality: :
It was an Indian-style wedding. Actually, I don't really know what the hell I was doing. I was 22 years old. Let's say it was kind of an arranged marriage filled with the most dramatic members of my family.
I am not sure why I missed or had overlooked all the red flags because trust me I very well remember seeing them along the way. If only I acknowledged those red flags, I probably would have saved myself from almost 8 months of marital heartache.
The man whom I had married wasn't my perfect fit. Well, let's just say he was not what I expected him to be or to become.
He introduced me to the pain of being broken into pieces and not being able to breathe.
Being cheated on by your husband is one of the most devastating things anyone could experience. I know exactly how it feels because I felt it on my skin.
I didn't have the words to describe the kind of hurt I went through and my mind was filled with questions.
-Why couldn't he be honest with me?
-Why did he ever marry me in the first place?
-How come I was so foolish to allow something like this to keep on happening right in front of my eyes?
-What did this woman have that I didn't?
and the list goes on...
Every single question and thought ran through my head the moment I realized that he drove me to rock bottom with a challenge, ''Riseup if you can''!!
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Divorce: Like a bad accident, I heard it before I felt it.
From the time I was a teen, I dreamed my life would be a fairy tale and not a divorce story. I never thought Divorce would be part of my journey. It was so far from my reality, that I never ever imagined such a thing could happen. I always thought Divorce was something that happens to other people and not to me.
And then it did happen, the world I so carefully built from the scratch, weaving together dreams ALL shattered.
For me, it was like not only the beginning of my divorce but my journey back. Although I was educated and was confident that I would get a job (I was not working then) I was terrified of just about anything and everything.
That was the moment or a part of my life I thought that I didn't believe I could take care of myself. I couldn't sleep, my mind raced every single night, I would wake up screaming, sobbing, or shaking with cold sweats. I remember I burst into tears in public more times than I could count. Yikes, I hated that!!
I can't remember how many times I starred at the mirror saying '' I just want my LIFE back'' ...
I am not exaggerating anything but there were only two options..to either feel numb or to keep my body and soul together...and the easier one was to feel numb ..just threw myself into some destructive distractions...sad but true that Divorce has the ability to engulf you, it is like going through the death of a loved one, involving loss and grief.. and touches every area of your life and changes the structure of the family forever.
But thanks to him for showing me that I am stronger than I ever thought possible and for pushing me to a place where I really had no choice to make.
continue reading...
...the next part is my pregnancy and how I rose from rock bottom and turned my life around :)
The myriad of things are made to happen. Impossible events are brought into reality. Unexpected phenomenon takes place at any given time. Faulty notions are made to be right. Simple scenarios are made to be complicated. Easy problems find complex remedies. Misunderstanding locks people in dispute. A rational and radical man argues with a simple-minded fellow. Conversations may lead to deception. A minor conflict can end up to war. Simple promises are compromised. Simple words lead to misconception. Yet, some of us are very apathetic towards what’s happening around. No matter what it takes, no matter how impossible it looks, no matter how narrow the road is, as long as they want it, they’ll do it. The world has become…